walking with a limp

 

Lately I’ve been reading this really weird story about Jacob (grandson of Abraham, father of the 12 sons who would become the 12 tribes of Israel) and the time he wrestled with someone referred to simply as “a man” but who — later in the story — turns out to probably be God Himself.

And as if Jacob going WWF (it will always be “F” not “E” to me) with the Creator of the Universe isn’t weird enough, check out what God says at the end of this all-night-long battle royale:

Genesis 32:24-28 (NASB)
²⁴ Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak.
²⁵ When he saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of his thigh; so the socket of Jacob’s thigh was dislocated while he wrestled with him.
²⁶ Then he said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” But he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
²⁷ So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.”
²⁸ He said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have striven with God and with men and have prevailed.”

So not only does Jacob not let go — even though God seemingly wants him to — God then tells him “you wrestled against me and WON.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about this today and — while I don’t fully understand that last statement — there is one

thing that stands out to me.

Jacob, in his very nature, is a “runner.”  

Runner: n. def. one who, when things get difficult, jettisons from the situation instead of sticking around to face the music. Use in a sentence: “we’ve got a runner!”

You can see this in all of Jacob’s life-situations: he quasi-cheats his brother out a birthright, lies to his father to GET said birthright, then bails for the desert when all this catches up to him. This kind of behavior defines Jacob’s life: he gets into messy situations with people, then has to run away.

As a matter of fact, right before the verses above we find out that Jacob’s older brother has seemingly hunted him down, and might very well be on his way to wipe out Jacob and his family. Is it any wonder then that Jacob’s name means “deceiver?”*

*sorry for all the people named Jacob reading this who just found that out

This is why Jacob wrestling God — and for the entire night no less — seems kind of significant. Because for once Jacob isn’t running. His back’s against the wall. He has nowhere left to go. I think that somewhere during his wrestling match Jacob realized He was having a divine encounter with the God of the universe and was so desperate for help that he refused to let go.

And I say this because I feel a lot like Jacob right now. I recently have discovered that — in technical, therapy words — I’m pretty screwed up. I tend to push away the people who are closest to me when things get tough. I hurt people I love when just their presence is challenging me to be more than I am*. I do this to my parents. To my girlfriend. To my close friends.

*I’ve learned the offical word for this is that I’m “avoidant” — for me it means  I get angry at loved ones for no good reason, become distant or non-communicative, and impatient. Usually this happens because, if I’m honest, there’s an area of my life I subconsciously know is unhealthy, and don’t want other people to see. 

I’m a runner. I’d rather pack up my bags and move into the desert then let people speak into my life. I’d rather be avoidant than accountable. And nowhere is this more true than with God.

When I sin, and I know it was wrong, and even on some level feel bad about it, I run for the desert (movies, books, radio, distractions) rather than talk to God. Like Jacob, I don’t want to answer for my actions.

But lately I’ve felt God calling me to stop running and to grapple with Him. To grapple with the tension between His authorty and my autonomy. To admit that I think my way’s better than His sometimes. To fight with God until — like He did to Jacob’s hip — He breaks me. Because when Jacob wrestled God, God made him literally not be able to run anymore — Jacob walked with a limp the rest of his life.

For me … honestly, I don’t know yet. And I’m scared to find out. I’m scared of what being broken by God will look like.

But when Jacob wrestled with God, God didn’t just break him … He rebuilt him. God told Jacob that he was no longer a deceiver, a runner, but that he had a new name: Israel. “He who strives with God.”

I want to be this person so badly I’m getting choked up just writing this. I want to be someone who takes all his doubts and worries and anger and self-reliance and throws them in the ring and wrestles with God. I want to let myself be challenged and broken by those around me who love me.

I’m tired of running.